Loyal readers of SNAKE AMERICA newsletter, I have something important to tell u and I don’t know how to say this so I’m going to GIVE IT TO U Straight.
In the last seven YEARS I’ve been doing this newsletter — that’s rite, ur boy is an OG, scroll to my Instagram to see my fit pics if you have the TEMERITY — I have seen myself LAPPED by newjacks to the throne of what it is I do for myself.
NAMELY and IN SO MANY WORDS I have always prided myself on being the best NEWSLETTER for what I called UNSURPASSABLE CLOTHING INTELLIGENCE. I list — or I used to list — auctions — u see, I got tired of writing about CLOTHING, since I’ve compiled over 200 AUCTIONS in over 112 Snake America Newsletters — and u, the reader, my loyal Snakinhös — THAT’S BRAZILIAN FOR SNAKE — IN BRAZIL AND IN PORTUGAL THEY SPEAK IN PORTUGUESE… u should watch “Fitzcarraldo” if u haven’t already — u buy … buy … buy the things I narratively recommend.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN OF THE JURY (imagine I am talking to U in a courtroom and wearing a double-breasted single vent suit tailored by the niche Parisian brand HUSBANDS…. which is named after a Cassevetes movie… which I have seen)… I wrote about eBay auctions featuring KALFF MUSHROOM LAMPS in 2014 and about Trainerposites during the OBAMA administration (hey there big guy, Mr. Former President and media podcaster, DM me if U want me to interview u about ur outfits and where u’ve been shopping since retiring from 420 Potsylvania Smokevenue… ) and sheesh, a Roberto Matta “Malitte” seating system in just my second issue. (It was an important week in music. It was so long ago that ur girl IGGY AZALEA had the number FIVE song in the country. Life is crazy sometimes.)
But the money never got in my pocket.
And SURE, I wrote two newsletters a week for like years and got a gig from that writing OCCASIONAL articles for GQ about MICHAEL JORDAN (whose career I have been following since early childhood), and VINTAGE CLOTHES (kind of my specialty if I may toot my own horn… Miles Davis, Pinball Clemons, James Osterberg, who most of u refer to as Iggy… the list of woodwind aficionados is long) and even FURNITURE like those delicate chairs produced by SHAKERS (did u know they never had sex? must be why I see so few of them out at the club or waiting in line for baguettes at [redacted secret bakery I’m keeping for myself]) for urs and mine favorite monthly magazine… but Substack, in their infinite wisdom — they’re a rly cool company, and are hiring rly good writers who definitely don’t need editors and have a mastery of usage and don’t secretly despise transsexuals or have insane persecution complexes and are actually babies — said I couldn’t use AFFILIATE LINKS when I ported over my newsletter (in 2018 I think IDK) which is the stone age triple-OG triple-goose <extreme I own vinyl records voice>Wu Tang is for the children</coding over> way we original newsletter writers (points sundial at the sun and drinks a TAB soda, spilling TAB soda everywhere) used to get paid for writing about clothing.
How good were AFFILIATE LINKS? Honestly they were ur boy’s best friend. My friend Jonathan F. Doe (names have been changed to protect the swagless) once had a cookie (not the vegan kind that u pack on HIKES but like the reliable method for websites (photo of the Macintosh computer from the scene in which Reese Witherspoon during LEGALLY BLONDE runs into LUKE WILSON at the computer store thus sparking their inevitable romantic denouement) to store stateful information (u can look it up idiot) and which records users' browsing activities (free tip: auctions.yahoo.co.jp… u can thank me later) on sites like AMAZON (a FAMILY-INVESTED BUSINESS from the Pacific Northwest which is the home of EDDIE BAUER, COLUMBIA and THE BOEING CORPORATION… their owner is like a rly good guy who runs an actual newsprint zine near New York and prints them up in pretty major quantities) on the vintage T-shirt blog that he ran (it was a rly good blog I’m not going to disclose u the name but u have to believe me it was a pretty good blog<redhead director from Arrested Development narrator voice>it was a pretty good blog<director leaves room> and it helped ur boy get his swag on in no uncertain terms<photo of ur humble narrator in the Dinosaur Jr. shirt with the kid covered in shit on the front> and when the reader surfed thru the site and clicked<sound effect noise> on an auction, legend among the swag gods has it that he bought a HASSELBLAD a week later (that’s a camera, it’s a rly good one if u want to take pictures of birds… which is like a thing u should dress for) and since Doe’s site’s cookie was on his computer still, Doe got like a 7% commission which turned out to be like, a thousand dollars or something. Can u imagine making that much money from writing? ~*~*Brian Eno’s collaborative album with the other bald asshole plays gently in the background.~*~* that’s one spicy meatball like they say on that television commercial, a lot of directors of tv commercials have gone on to shoot movies. (Like Michael Cimino who is Italian.)
But like I said Substack said “no way” to affiliate links. I was like can I please add the link they said “no but u can build up ur subs with regular posts.” I was like “ok.”
So I was like ur boy is j gonna do it for free like Bill Cunningham at the original DETAILS magazine<pulls the old head lever and becomes awash in the pleasant n edifying details of that story> and I trundled along. But lately I have noticed a DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE (that is a line from Star Wars, u should read “Raging Bulls and Easy Riders” if u rly want to know about Hollywood)… Other newsletters are doing IT better than me. <Freddie Madball voice>I’m not a fuckin’ rat [deleted swear words because this is a family newsletter]<Freddie leaves the room with alacrity>so I won’t say who they are but frankly they have made me question what exactly it is that I’m doing.
Should ur boy be bogarting all his UNSURPASSABLE CLOTHING INTELLIGENCE and keeping it to himself by just sharing occasional decidedly not immediately useful from a shopping perspective newsletters about atemporal online auctions<Holland Cotter voice>rly when u think about it the act of writing concise narratives about eBay auctions that end in a week and whose web properties are deprecated in a matter of months makes for two realities, one that the auctions Reiss is writing about enter a sort of disappearing space similar to Yoko Ono’s rotten apple or the Beuys Eames chair made out of delicious ham and therefore the auctions become irrelevant to Reiss’ writing, or perhaps a narrative MacGuffin that allows the writing to exist. Two, that Reiss himself, by recognizing the futility and provisional nature of these auctions — how could he not? he’s selecting them to begin with — wields Snake America to a level above what other writing about consumer goods tends to offer: there is no primitive utilitarian help for the reader here — though the items are always explained — and precious little flouting of taste (this critic believes Reiss’ newsletters may have been better served selecting more ‘major’ items—well-designed pieces, artworks, not only vintage things). In sum Reiss has made a permanent record about impermanent things, and in a medium so diminished as the newsletter — the pre-VC email newsletter, no less, with few remunerative incentives and little glory — that it must be considered an art project. At his best, and he was often there, Reiss held the reader’s time to the second while also wasting it with a blowtorch set to high. It’s a rumination on journalism: does writing about something make it important? What exactly are we sharing when we tell stories? How meaningless are possessions? Surely less important than their stories. These are the questions Reiss is asking. With them he created a newsletter oeuvre so ahead of its time and so apart, aesthetically and narratively, that it defies description. My fear, when approaching his work, was that it might not be understood as the major undertaking that it was, and may be elided for other, more superficial nominally similar bodies of work, that it might be years before this newsletter gets a broader, professional appreciation. That is a mistake. No one else can do what he’s doing. This is English as ice sculpture. <Cotter goes into another room 2 play Super Smash Bros.> <gif of Shaq pulling backboard down into the ground after a dunk on Cedric Ceballos, and then the backboard breaks his head and releases Ceballos-shaped goo into the ground and begins the process of earth de-terraformation…>
Which like I mean it makes sense rite? Production of this newsletter has SLACKENED and I am forced to quote cult classic FILM City Slickers 2 (check out Billy Crystal’s alphets in that thing if u want ur little mind blown) and say “give me the money.”
Yes I have only published like TEN newsletters in the past three years perhaps because I have hit kind of a wall writing about used clothing auctions on eBay and ur boy has had a good run. Also I don’t know if u have been cranking ur podcasts but I would like to<looks into Camera 2>take this opportunity to remind u we are in a pandemic and like seriously<lights up a Mild Seven cigarette that I had 2 special order> I rly don’t see anybody except for my lawyer Esteban, my friends Rodney, Chuck and Mike and all the rly cool people at the wheel-balancing center… <interstitial>ur boy is a public health icon<flashes photo proof of double vaccination n accidentally shares my social security number with the Russian scammers who have already hacked into my CHIPOTLE.com social account> which is why I kind of haven’t rly been thinking about pants<pants swag>.
Sometimes I think of pulling up the gate and charging for content like <adopts officious tone>“hey ummmm do u know about this Massimo Vignelli COLOGNE shaped like a giant screw, he was the guy who designed those bird magazines (sam, this is ur intern speaking, I can’t find this cologne u r talking about it is simply too swag god and rare for these fools, but do u think you can DM me the link so I can buy it for my special ladyfriend Sheila?) and a Rotting Christ longsleeve in SIZE SMALL with contrasting cuffs<editors note voice: I have never seen a Greek black metal band use contrasting colors like that before, it feels like a BODE shirt or something u can wear with a BODE shirt, she is from Rhode Island and has j opened a tailor shop>… or maybe like a De Sede sofa or something…<photo break>
<smoking a cigarette voice: staind lyrics> but like I am thinking Snake maybe paid subs are the way thru, maybe the future of ur newsletter such as it is, is like writing about outdoor brands and De Sede sofas and maybe, just maybe<pulls out sleeve of crackers for u out of Halliburton briefcase then pours PG tips black tea into frilly Spode cup> MAYBE I GO EVEN MORE PREMIUM TIER because like possessions are rly interesting especially when they’re rare… I want 2 buy [a piece of furniture that is rly advanced] [I unfortunately can’t tell u the name of the furniture or I will have to Bruce Willis u but it rhymes with schemes] and this fleece that like they don’t make anymore but which is pretty fluffy and is produced by [swag god company name redacted] n because of that reason:
I am both ashamed and proud to offer PREMIUM PLANKTON TIER LEVEL SUBSCRIPTIONS. For the low low price of $20 a month U can be the tiny little PIECES OF SCUM that live in my teeth and more importantly feed me with micropayments<Janet Yellen voice: twenty dollars is such a pathetic amount of money why would u even care about giving me that kind of money>so I grow rly big. And in exchange for ur hard-earned American dollars (did u know ur humble narrator was not even educated in this country? maybe that’s why to quote 2 Chainz <2 chainz voice>I’m different…)
I will give u more content, more auctions, more of the rly cool stuff that I like wear and look cool in<fire alarm goes off… sprinkler gets all my clothes wet, I talk to stylist in very stern voice>hey Stylist we r going to have to shoot on the roof and we r losing the light so like this changes everything n I think we have to push the post a couple days back but I still think we can make the print deadline<drinks TAB soda and ashes Mild Seven ash all over my collaborative Erewhon coffee cup> like this big label Patagonia-era fleece from 1977 which has reverse pile an a small one-color white tag and was made by Yvon Chouinard’s boy who like no one has heard of but he was like a pretty unassailable G.
[ASSET MISSING]
If U click this button it will take u to the PREMIUM PLANKTON TIER LEVEL subscription sign up. If u don’t have a credit card then I don’t know what to tell u. Maybe u should like get a job or figure out a way to get a credit card since this is 2021 and cash societies are in a word tacky.
Thank u for subscribing to my newsletter. I promise u I will find U the joints u like rly want to wear or resell. As long as u like hiking and pay me to find u stuff that’s out there on the internet to begin with, like I am thinking of getting into furniture… everyone be ready…
sike